New Year, New Beginnings…. Again… This just feels like the year of change, and I’m embracing it. Change. That’s right. What once seemed scary and made me want to run away, now makes me feel hopeful.
We have been talking about whether to try to have a second baby since about six months after Brooks was born. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted a second baby. How in the world could I love another human like Brooks? But we needed to talk about it nonetheless.
So many of you know our long, difficult journey to become parents, and I knew there were zero guarantees. The thought of even the possibility of having to go through loss and roller coaster emotions again was not appealing in the least.
However, if there is one thing I learned from our experience, it’s that I am NOT in control. Those thoughts and fears were all based in lies sent from evil, not from God. God is in control, and it’s always better to go to HIM and see what HIS plans are for us. NOT to decide on our own and not out of fear. So after months and months of casual conversation with Chris about a sibling for Brooks, I still wasn’t sure. I knew exactly where he stood. So I went to God. He almost immediately put this amazingly strong desire for another baby in my heart. It was undeniable. That was about this time last year. So I decided to act before the fear took back over. I scheduled an appointment with my OB and here we are almost a year later. I just had a follow up appointment with the best OB around, Dr. Seeker. I am slightly anxiously excited that we are officially moving forward with trying for baby number two and will be doing a fertility treatment next month! I wish I could say the “anxiously” part didn’t exist. But, I’m human and I tend to be a stubborn learner as I’ve mentioned before.
This is the point where Satan comes into play once again. He’s really great at doubt, fear, and lies. And he’s incredibly subtle about it. He sneaks into your mind and does everything he can to make you think you’re the one thinking these thoughts and feeling these emotions. Thankfully, I’ve been down this road before. Thankfully, God has made me stronger over the last eight years through our first baby journey and subsequently seeking a closer relationship with Him that now I can identify the evil as not my own. Even if it’s not always immediate. Thankful that I know to turn to God and let him fight this battle for me.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13
These bible verses are some of the ones I really clung to during the dark, five years we struggled the first time. I believed them even when I felt like I would never be a mom. I believed them even when I was jealous of all the people around me who were pregnant and having babies. I believed them when I felt smothered by loss. I still felt all of those terrible emotions, but I believed God had a plan for me, and it had nothing to do with evil.
I believe God placed this desire for a second baby squarely on my heart. I don’t know what that means for this baby journey exactly, but I know we are supposed to be on it. I know we are supposed to try. I know we are supposed to be in this place right now acting on what I know God wants us to do. I know I am supposed to give up all the control and hand it over to God willingly because HE’s GOT THIS.
So I leave you with one last set of verses that has been a constant reminder that I’ve needed the last eight years…. I hope it’s a great reminder for you if you too are headed on a journey this year.
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? …Therefore do not be anxious, saying ‘What shall we eat’ or ‘What shall we drink’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ …But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all theses things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6: 25-34
Let’s not worry for tomorrow. Let’s be present today and hand it all over to God. I would LOVE for you to send up a prayer or two for my sweet family and our journey. I’m happy to send some prayers your way too! #pray
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